I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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