Just fell off a train. Bad.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
