She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's the barista slut.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
