I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
