sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
