I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
