I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
