You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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