I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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