I faked an abortion last night.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
