Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
