had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
