tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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