They should really pass out barf bags in church
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
