you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
