I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
