yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
