he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
