I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
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