Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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