Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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