It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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