The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need water and some morals
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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