Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
