She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
