I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
