How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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