Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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