he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
