I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
