It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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