No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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