Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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