Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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