My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
