U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
