Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
