if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
