If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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