Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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