You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
