What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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