Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
