Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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