So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
