That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
