Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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