My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
