i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
