watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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