I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
