my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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